Is This the Most Outrageous Anti-Aging “Cure” Ever?

I am afraid that I am terribly predictable. The moment I turned 40 was, like evil clockwork, the same moment I began to obsess over my changing face. Where once I saw bright eyes and sultry lips, I now mostly see crows-feet and the beginning of folds.

Overnight, I became a stereotype: A woman flirting with middle age who diligently invests the cost of a small car in a skincare system. I may have even done an internet search–or two–for injectable fillers and the average price of a cheek lift (don’t judge).

So imagine my joy when I stumbled across an article about a preposterous-looking gadget from Japan that claims to be solve all of my problems. According to the Japan Trend Shop, “To get and maintain the perfect visage, you don’t need the cosmetic surgeon’s knife. All you need is a mouthpiece. Yes, the Face Slimmer is a simple solution to the timeless problem of how to give sagging facial skin and muscles that much-needed daily lift.”

Let’s be clear here: All I need is a mouthpiece. To use said mouthpiece, I’d look like a blow-up doll for three minutes each day. Also, “The makers recommend you say vowel sounds out loud over and over again, producing regular and methodical exercises that will strength the twelve facial expression muscles in a comprehensive way.”

I imagine that the best thing about this product may be the promotional photos and the shock I’d get from my husband if I showed up to bed sporting one. Still, maybe it’s worth a try?

Oh, and they’ve got a “brow stretcher” and a “nose straightener” as well!